Delivering a welcome speech that is both witty and funny can be a challenge for some of us so we thought some popular family reunion jokes, one liners, and funny stories from around the web would help.
For now we have listed the jokes in the order that we find them.
Our goal is to update this page as often as possible with fresh family reunion jokes.
Feel free to bookmark the site and come back often! Oh and if you have your own favorites that you’d like us to include here, send it via email or place in comments below.
Family Reunion Jokes
Last weekend, I went to my family reunion. And you people know, family reunions is that time when you come face to face with your family tree, and you realize some branches need to be cut. (Rene Hicks)
I had to go back to New York recently for a family reunion. I hate those things. I walk in there, I look at everyone, and I think: ‘I’m getting my tubes tied. That’s it. The tree ends here.’ (Cathy Ladman)
Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts and a few bad apples.
A couple was attending their family reunion. At the banquet, everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded “When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision.”
A popular family reunion joke. One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, “Why are some of your hairs white, mom?”. Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white”. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, “Momma, how come *all* of grandma’s hairs are white?”
A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.
John was at his family reunion when Earl, his second cousin, asked
“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” John continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Both of your parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt Sylvie died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued John, “nothing!”
“Has there been any insanity in your family?”
“Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he’s the boss.”
Wisdom from Grandpa…
- Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
- Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
- Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
- When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
- If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
- On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past – but never the present.
- A foolish husband says to his wife, “Honey, you stick to the washin’, ironin’, cookin’, and scrubbin’. No wife of mine is gonna work.”
- The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
- Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he’s already used to taking orders.
- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts. (ancestry.com)
Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough!
I’’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her” and hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me??”
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. “I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.” The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like YOUR mother-in-law better than I like mine!”
It first occurred to me that our marriage might be in trouble when my wife won an all expenses paid trip for two to Hawaii – and she went twice.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
“Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
One day a boy asked his grandpa “Grandpa, make a frog sound”
The grandfather asked why?
The boy said, “Grandma says when you croak we are going to Hawaii”
An old man was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies better than anything in the world. With his last bit of energy he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor to the stairs. Down the stairs and into the kitchen. There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, SMACK across the back of the hand his wife hit him with a spoon. “Leave them alone, they are for the funeral!”
Every year on my birthday, I looked forward to my aunt’s gift—a scarf, hat, or sweater knitted by hand. One year, she must have had better things to do because I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, and a how-to-knit book. Her card read “Scarf, some assembly required.”
Son – “Dad what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”
Dad – “Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That’s confidential.”
After 50 years of wondering why he didn’t look like his younger sister or brother,
a man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
“Yes, you were son,” his mother said as she started to cry softly.
“but it didn’t work out and they brought you back.”
We hope you found these family reunion jokes to be funny. If you would like a steady supply of these jokes, bookmark this page as we will be updating often with new ones.
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